I try not to think about Covid-19. I am blessed that I have that privilege. But as the pandemic continues, one cannot ignore the tremendous losses.

At first, I grieved about not being able to get married in time to have a kid. I’m turning 32 in June. My gynecologist told me that I need to have my first baby by 35. Since, as Frozen taught me you shouldn’t get married to a man you barely know, that means I never will have a child. How will I be able to meet someone and date them just in time to have a kid by 35?

I will have to find someone first, and that’s not easy. Then I actually have to date them for maybe a year or so, then be engaged six months or so, then get married, then get pregnant for 9 months. And that’s all assuming the next man I date will be my husband!

The thing is I strongly feel about not wanting kids. But there was this episode in How I Met Your Mother that resonated with me. Basically, Robin mourned the fact that she couldn’t have kids because that choice was taken from her for biological reasons. She didn’t want kids, but that didn’t mean she didn’t want to be left without a choice.

Now I’m not saying the pandemic took away my choice. But the odds of me getting married and producing my first child by 35 are extremely low because of Covid-19. I will never know if, without the pandemic, that could’ve happened.

I mean, what if I change my mind about wanting kids? It would be too late, probably. The pandemic isn’t ending soon, especially here in the Philippines.

This pandemic has brought a lot of losses for sure, in different kinds. For example, I feel bad for my grandmother. What is likely the last years of her life are spent at home alone. Instead of living life to the fullest, she cannot even go out of the house because she is vulnerable to the coronavirus due to her age. And what about my cousin who’s spending her college years, some of the most exciting years of her life, at home. She’s missing out on her youth, in a way, I think. (“Youth is wasted on the young”, but still).

I’m not saying it’s not a life lived well if you just spend it at home. I’m saying, no one wants to spend their life being stuck at home, especially your last years or your prime years. Unless of course, you are hikikomori.

I have not even begun to talk about the most painful losses. Loved ones. Jobs. Opportunities. Et cetera et cetera.

My way of coping is not to think about it all. I can only hope I can continue to do so.